Bacon. It’s been said it’s the candy of meat. Others believe it’s the smell of a mother’s love. However you describe it, most folks agree—life is better because bacon exists.

There’s a growing list of bacon products available these days. While scouring the web, it occurred to me that a man could literally be bred on bacon-related items from the time he is born until the day that he croaks.

What follows is a timeline of how such a life might play out using actual bacon products. Whether you view this as a list of goodies, a cautionary tale, or a how-to manual for baconian living, is entirely up to you. All I know is you can’t go wrong talking about bacon.

With that said, we now present “Bacon Bonanza! A Story About the Candy of Meat.”

Age 1

Frank is born on New Years Day and is quickly weened on bacon baby formula like his father before him.

Age 2

After slopping around in the mud, Frank is cleaned up with a bar of bacon soap.

Age 3

Frank visits the doctor to get shots. He cries and is cheered up with a bacon lollipop

Age 4

Frank is bribed to clean up his toys with bacon caramels.

Age 5

Frank spends all of his birthday money on bacon jellybeans because that’s what kids do.

Age 6

After finishing all of his BLT at dinner, Frank is rewarded with a tasty bacon ice cream sundae. Spots flyer for the ultimate eating contest, “Bacon Bonanza!” Tells his parents he will win it someday.

Age 7

As Frank learns to ride a bike, his scrapes are bandaged with bacon bandages.
Wounds automatically feel better.

Age 8

On his eighth birthday, Frank receives a special package covered with bacon gift wrap from his father. Is told not to open it until father passes away.

Age 10

When winter hits, Frank and his father build a snowpig wearing a warm bacon hat and scarf.

Age 10

Frank celebrates tenth birthday with a cake topped off with bacon frosting

Age 11

Frank devours an entire loaf of bread thanks to the help of bacon jam.

Age 12

Frank wins bet with neighborhood kids as he chews 50 bacon gumballs at one time. Blows biggest bacon bubble ever seen. His legend grows in the ‘hood.

Age 13

As adolescence sets in, Frank overcomes his body odor with a fresh stick of  bacon deodorant.

Age 14

Frank sets fashion trend at school by wearing a bacon bracelet.

Age 15

Frank commits first crime as he sneaks bacon salt into a movie theater to sprinkle on his popcorn. 

Age 16

Frank sticks a bacon air freshener in his first car. It was painted pink and white.

Age 17

Frank wears his bacon chemistry t-shirt to science class and is given an automatic A for brilliance.

Age 18

At his high school graduation party, Frank is dared to down an entire bottle of bacon hot sauce.
Impresses girl named Ginger.

Age 19

Frank splits a bacon milkshake with Ginger. He is in love.

Age 20

Ginger becomes a vegan and breaks up with Frank.
In his grief, he devours 18 bags of bacon jerky in one sitting.

Age 21

Frank celebrates 21st birthday by putting his new bacon pint glass to good use. Still longs for Ginger.

Age 22

Frank climbs Mt. Everest. Summits it fueled only by water and canned bacon.
Despite his achievement, Frank still feels empty. 

Age 23

Frank returns home and discovers his calling is to be a competitive eater. Inhales 23 hotdogs smothered with Squeez bacon at a state fair.

Age 23

Frank has job interview at his favorite diner to make ends meet while he trains as a competitive eater. Wears lucky bacon tie and is hired on the spot.

Age 25

Frank writes a love letter to Ginger and sends it in a bacon envelope. Ginger smells it and comes to her senses. She returns to him and the carnivorous lifestyle.

Age 26

Frank proposes to Ginger at 11:59 p.m. on New Years Eve with a ring and a box of bacon chocolate bars.

Age 27

As the clock strikes midnight, Ginger replies. “You had me at bacon.”
Gives Frank a birthday/New Year’s kiss.

Age 28

Frank wears a bacon tuxedo to his wedding.
The song, “Footloose” is played at reception in honor of Sir Kevin Bacon.

Age 29

Frank lights a bacon-scented candle for romantic evening. Things happen.

Age 30

First child is born! Frank celebrates by lighting up a bacon tobacco pipe.

Age 31

Like his father before him, Frank feeds child bacon baby formula from bottle tucked inside a bacon bottle cozy.

Age 32

Frank and Ginger go on much needed date. He wears new bacon cologne. Things happen.

Age 33

Second child is born! Frank celebrates by having a bacon beer with his buddies.

Age 34

Frank is awarded the coveted bacon potholder at regional hot dog eating contest. 

Age 35

Frank soothes whining children with bacon candy necklaces during road trip to a competition.
Doesn’t realize the consequences of sugar.

Age 36

Frank and Ginger go through a lot of maple bacon coffee due to sleep deprivation.

Age 37

Frank brushes teeth with bacon-flavored toothpaste before bed. Things happen.

Age 38

Third child is born! Frank and Ginger celebrate by adding bacon flavoring syrup to their double lattès.

Age 39

Frank gets a vasectomy. Drinks away pain with bacon vodka.

Age 40

Frank puts on bacon lip balm and kisses Ginger. Things happen.
No baby!

Age 41

Frank starts to gain weight. Might have something to do with using Baconnaise during eating competitions.

Age 42

Frank breaks record for the amount of bacon soda downed in an hour.
Has loudest, and smelliest, belch known to man.

Age 43

Ginger gives Frank a set of bacon coasters for 15th wedding anniversary.  Things happen.
Still no baby! 

Age 44

Frank takes big trip to Atlantic City for national eating competition. Suffers a reversal of fortune on bacon peanut brittle (despite its deliciousness).  He is disqualified and hits a new low.

Age 45

Frank and family play bacon board game on family game night.
Has given up dream of being a competitive eater.

Age 46

As Frank and family decorate Christmas tree with bacon candy canes, he begins to sense the urge to return to action.

Age 47

Frank realizes his weight is out of control. Gets the eye of the tiger and decides to get back in shape thanks to the new bacon skateboard he got for Christmas.

Age 48

Frank’s father passes away. He opens the gift he received when he was eight. Inside was a bacon bow tie that has been in his family for several generations and a note that simply reads, “I believe in you.” 

Age 49

Frank gets his mojo back and begins sporting a pair of shades covered with a bacon skin. Along with the bow-tie, it becomes his signature look during his comeback to competitive eating. 

Age 50

Frank reflects on the full life he’s lived while reading the book, Bacon: A Love Story. Inspired to accomplish his childhood dream of winning the ultimate eating competition, “Bacon Bonanza!” Begins hardcore training.

Age 51

After strong winning streak, Frank takes iPhone out of bacon case to receive a call about his acceptance to next year’s “Bacon Bonanza!” His dream is at hand.

Age 52

Frank dies in a blaze of glory as he chokes on the final (and winning) strip of bacon during “Bacon Bonanza!” Life is celebrated as he is buried in a bacon coffin. Ginger says he went out doing what he loved.

The End

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