Bacon. It’s been said it’s the candy of meat. Others believe it’s the smell of a mother’s love. However you describe it, most folks agree—life is better because bacon exists.
There’s a growing list of bacon products available these days. While scouring the web, it occurred to me that a man could literally be bred on bacon-related items from the time he is born until the day that he croaks.
What follows is a timeline of how such a life might play out using actual bacon products. Whether you view this as a list of goodies, a cautionary tale, or a how-to manual for baconian living, is entirely up to you. All I know is you can’t go wrong talking about bacon.
With that said, we now present “Bacon Bonanza! A Story About the Candy of Meat.”
Frank is born on New Years Day and is quickly weened on bacon baby formula like his father before him.
After slopping around in the mud, Frank is cleaned up with a bar of bacon soap.
Frank visits the doctor to get shots. He cries and is cheered up with a bacon lollipop.
Frank is bribed to clean up his toys with bacon caramels.
Frank spends all of his birthday money on bacon jellybeans because that’s what kids do.
After finishing all of his BLT at dinner, Frank is rewarded with a tasty bacon ice cream sundae. Spots flyer for the ultimate eating contest, “Bacon Bonanza!” Tells his parents he will win it someday.
As Frank learns to ride a bike, his scrapes are bandaged with bacon bandages.
Wounds automatically feel better.
On his eighth birthday, Frank receives a special package covered with bacon gift wrap from his father. Is told not to open it until father passes away.
When winter hits, Frank and his father build a snowpig wearing a warm bacon hat and scarf.
Frank celebrates tenth birthday with a cake topped off with bacon frosting.
Frank devours an entire loaf of bread thanks to the help of bacon jam.
Frank wins bet with neighborhood kids as he chews 50 bacon gumballs at one time. Blows biggest bacon bubble ever seen. His legend grows in the ‘hood.
As adolescence sets in, Frank overcomes his body odor with a fresh stick of bacon deodorant.
Frank sets fashion trend at school by wearing a bacon bracelet.
Frank commits first crime as he sneaks bacon salt into a movie theater to sprinkle on his popcorn.
Frank sticks a bacon air freshener in his first car. It was painted pink and white.
Frank wears his bacon chemistry t-shirt to science class and is given an automatic A for brilliance.
At his high school graduation party, Frank is dared to down an entire bottle of bacon hot sauce.
Impresses girl named Ginger.
Frank splits a bacon milkshake with Ginger. He is in love.
Ginger becomes a vegan and breaks up with Frank.
In his grief, he devours 18 bags of bacon jerky in one sitting.
Frank celebrates 21st birthday by putting his new bacon pint glass to good use. Still longs for Ginger.
Frank climbs Mt. Everest. Summits it fueled only by water and canned bacon.
Despite his achievement, Frank still feels empty.
Frank returns home and discovers his calling is to be a competitive eater. Inhales 23 hotdogs smothered with Squeez bacon at a state fair.
Frank has job interview at his favorite diner to make ends meet while he trains as a competitive eater. Wears lucky bacon tie and is hired on the spot.
Frank writes a love letter to Ginger and sends it in a bacon envelope. Ginger smells it and comes to her senses. She returns to him and the carnivorous lifestyle.
Frank proposes to Ginger at 11:59 p.m. on New Years Eve with a ring and a box of bacon chocolate bars.
As the clock strikes midnight, Ginger replies. “You had me at bacon.”
Gives Frank a birthday/New Year’s kiss.
Frank wears a bacon tuxedo to his wedding.
The song, “Footloose” is played at reception in honor of Sir Kevin Bacon.
Frank lights a bacon-scented candle for romantic evening. Things happen.
First child is born! Frank celebrates by lighting up a bacon tobacco pipe.
Like his father before him, Frank feeds child bacon baby formula from bottle tucked inside a bacon bottle cozy.
Frank and Ginger go on much needed date. He wears new bacon cologne. Things happen.
Second child is born! Frank celebrates by having a bacon beer with his buddies.
Frank is awarded the coveted bacon potholder at regional hot dog eating contest.
Frank soothes whining children with bacon candy necklaces during road trip to a competition.
Doesn’t realize the consequences of sugar.
Frank and Ginger go through a lot of maple bacon coffee due to sleep deprivation.
Frank brushes teeth with bacon-flavored toothpaste before bed. Things happen.
Third child is born! Frank and Ginger celebrate by adding bacon flavoring syrup to their double lattès.
Frank gets a vasectomy. Drinks away pain with bacon vodka.
Frank puts on bacon lip balm and kisses Ginger. Things happen.
Frank starts to gain weight. Might have something to do with using Baconnaise during eating competitions.
Frank breaks record for the amount of bacon soda downed in an hour.
Has loudest, and smelliest, belch known to man.
Ginger gives Frank a set of bacon coasters for 15th wedding anniversary. Things happen.
Still no baby!
Frank and family play bacon board game on family game night.
Has given up dream of being a competitive eater.
As Frank and family decorate Christmas tree with bacon candy canes, he begins to sense the urge to return to action.
Frank realizes his weight is out of control. Gets the eye of the tiger and decides to get back in shape thanks to the new bacon skateboard he got for Christmas.
Frank’s father passes away. He opens the gift he received when he was eight. Inside was a bacon bow tie that has been in his family for several generations and a note that simply reads, “I believe in you.”
Frank gets his mojo back and begins sporting a pair of shades covered with a bacon skin. Along with the bow-tie, it becomes his signature look during his comeback to competitive eating.
Frank reflects on the full life he’s lived while reading the book, Bacon: A Love Story. Inspired to accomplish his childhood dream of winning the ultimate eating competition, “Bacon Bonanza!” Begins hardcore training.
After strong winning streak, Frank takes iPhone out of bacon case to receive a call about his acceptance to next year’s “Bacon Bonanza!” His dream is at hand.
Frank dies in a blaze of glory as he chokes on the final (and winning) strip of bacon during “Bacon Bonanza!” Life is celebrated as he is buried in a bacon coffin. Ginger says he went out doing what he loved.
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